Abuse and Bullying: An Ad Hoc Personal Survival Guide

Abuse

This post contains ad hoc advice about my experience of dealing with abuse and bullying, mainly in the workplace, although some aspects also relate to growing up with racism and dealing with abuse from people outside the world of work e.g. from family members. I should emphasize the anecdotes I talk about have all occurred at companies and universities that I have previously worked at, and none of them pertain to where I currently work.

Collaborating with other people in an amazingly creative experience (via computer programming in my case) which can be an immensely fulfilling experience, transcendental, forging a deep connection with other human beings to create something new and meaningful in the world. The thrill and electricity (quite literally in my case) from human interaction and collaboration has never diminished over the decades.

But as Depeche Mode has said, “People are people, so why should it be / You and I should get along so awfully?” Some of the darkest and lowest periods of my life have been when someone at work has taken a dislike to me and acted on it. Workplace bullying is a very serious and common problem, yet we don’t fully acknowledge how widespread it is, and the devastating harm it inflicts on its victims.

Isolation, humiliation in front of your peers. An abuser will try to isolate and separate you. They will exclude you from meetings, withhold information you need to do your job. They will emphasize how you are different from the others in front of your peers. Not as good as them. They will hold others up as an example of what you should be able to achieve, but can’t. They will separate you because you are a woman. Because you are not white. Because you are not like them. They will try to separate you from the people that could offer you support. Once separated from the pack, you are easier prey. Don’t let them draw that line in the sand; you can bake that silicon as you wish and cast your own die. Usually the people being separated from you don’t want to have this line drawn between you and them, but they are also under the power and influence of the same abuser. In my experience, achievements and concrete results count for a lot and speak volumes. If you can somehow continue to work with others and demonstrate your value and results, present demos and ship features, then those accomplishments are hard to argue with. Fight subjective condemnation with objective deliverables and achievements, as much as that is possible. In my experience, overall, the people that eventually get respect are those that can do, can code, can design, can implement, can debug, can build, can analyze, can ship, can collaborate, can quantify, can report and say what we should do next. That’s a lot more power than those that can only condemn.

Support. When you’re isolated you need support. Talk. Talk to your friends, family, colleagues. Don’t withdraw from your social circle. Seek professional help, if you feel that is what is required (it has helped me a lot on multiple occasions). Abuse disorients you, but by talking to others you trust you can find your anchor again. Try to widen your social network at work. This can help you draw strength from a wider group of people who are your allies, and who share your view that what you are going through is not OK. And if things get untenable, your network is your way out of a bad situation, by moving to another group at your company (much harder to do at a university).

Sometimes it can help to talk to someone who is not close to you; this might make it easier for you to express some of your concerns or issues, when you would struggle to talk about them to people who know you well. That can be very valuable.

Gaslighting. Your abuser will say to your face things that are totally untrue, in direct contrast to the facts about what has happened, inverting the sense of conversations and agreements you’ve forged beforehand, inverting reality, saying this never happened (when you both experienced it together) and so on. They will try to mentally abuse you into doubting what you know to be true. I have low self-esteem, which makes me particularly. The key thing to know about gaslighting is to be aware of when it is happening, and to let your abuser know you are not accepting it. Do not engage in an argument to defend and correct your position. If you must say anything, state the fundamentals of your reality. It is an axiom, it is not up for discussion, and that is an immutable truth, and you don’t care if they believe it or not, it is the rock you are anchored to. A simple thing that might be useful is to keep a log or Google doc that acts as a diary where you record events as they occur. This acts as supporting evidence for your own perception of reality. It really is frightening how much bullies can make you rewrite so much of your own reality, doubting so much of what you used to think was true. Things get ugly when you are gaslit in front of your work colleagues. Some of them will recognize the gaslighting for what it is, others will lack context and take the dressing down at face value. I don’t have a general piece of advice about what to do here, other than perhaps the opposite of what I am inclined to do: keep your cool, go on to demonstrate behaviour that contradicts the gaslighting, use The Palace argument that “recollections may vary”. The abuser wants to create a “hostile environment” to make you leave. However, when things are intractable, the best thing might be to just walk away.

Keep your cool (it is not easy). Anyone who knows me knows I am a hot-headed emotional person in the way that I communicate with just about everyone. However, this has not served me well when dealing with workplace bully (or many other social situations). My often emphatic and emotional outbursts about the injustices I have endured just alienated other people that I thought would understand and become my allies. This leads to fundamental tension between calling out bullying behaviour at the moment when it occurs, and deciding to keep your cool (and then letting the bullying incident pass without comment). Sadly my own experience has taught me that it is better to grit your teeth and keep your cool, but then follow up individually with each other person present at the incident to try and unpack how they experienced what happened and to try and communicate how it felt for you.

Human Resources. My experience with HR departments is mixed, with some companies having a compassionate and understanding and supportive HR department, but at other companies the HR department definitely did not have my back, and it felt like their role was to protect the company from the employees. I once had an abusive manager who was a terrible bully. I complained about him to HR, quoting very specific incidents. More fool me. As a senior person in the company, the system was behind him, and my account was not believed to be true, no measures I knew of were taken against the abusive manager, and I ended up leaving a company I loved working at and had put so much of my life and soul into. I still feel angry to this day about this episode, I still wish I worked at that company, but I have learned my lesson. Try to find out some from trusted colleagues about their experience of HR to get an idea about how supportive HR is likely to be.

You will learn who your true friends are. When your abuser is someone in your management chain, then you will sometimes find that co-workers, who you thought were your friends, your support system and who understood you, are now on the side of your abuser. Many people are happy to be casually friendly, but when something threatens their performance review or promotion opportunity you will quickly find out who your friends really are. If you are going to fight against the system, then there is a good chance that you will have to do it alone. I learned this lesson the hard way. There is a big difference between a co-worker and a true friend. And I say that as someone whose close friends are all people I have met through work.

Insecurity. Why do other people behave so badly, especially in the workplace? In my own limited experience often the root driver of bad behaviour is insecurity. Others will feel insecure about your capabilities, experience, connections, whatever. And they will punish you for the insecurity they feel. Although there is little you can do to address other peoples’ insecurity, it can be useful to understand what is driving their otherwise inexplicable and irrational behaviour. It’s not you, it’s them, and you are just a trigger for them. If you can understand the root reason for the abuser’s behaviour, that might help you develop some coping strategies.

I’ve talked about other peoples’ bad behaviour towards me. However, I’m no angel, and I’ve often let other people down with my substandard behaviour. All I can offer is my heartfelt apologies, and a hope that I have learned from my mistakes and that I will not repeat and inflict them on others.

Outreach does not work. Several times I have tried to reach out to my abuser to try and diffuse the tension, try and understand the situation from their perspective, to see if there is some kind of delicate truce we can form. In my experience this might seem to work at first, but whatever the forces that ignited the situation at the outset will just restart the abuse soon as the other person feels threatened by you, is under pressure from elsewhere, or some other reason which makes them snap to grid like before. Unless the underlying issue is resolved then history is destined to repeat itself.

Therapy. I’ve had mixed experience with therapy as “part of the process” of how HR deals with conflict in the workplace. All the therapy programs I have engaged in were time consuming and emotionally demanding processes. The first program turned out to be totally useless for me. It felt as if the company was just covering its legal liabilities. Later, a different therapy program that was arranged independently of my employer turned out to be much more effective.

Escape. As much as we want to believe the formally declared corporate culture and anti-harassment policies will prevail and the right thing will happen, the reality is the company is often going to back the high-performer bully or professor with lots of funding that is targeting you, and at the end of the day your only sane option will be to look for work elsewhere. Stand your ground and fight. If that does not work, do not stay and continue to suffer. Move on.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Several people have kindly reached out to tell me their own stories of abuse and bullying in the workplace and one common theme that has emerged the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD, “narcissist”) as a character trait in the tormentors. I’ve often observed this too. From Wikipedia, the definition is “NPD is a personality disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a diminished ability to empathize with other people’s feelings”. The first person that I encountered that exhibited this condition was such a bully that I left the company to go and work elsewhere. People with this disorder tend to have very low levels of self-perception, incredibly low levels of empathy for others, and they are often consumed with insecurity. I see many very successful senior people exhibiting this trait and they will often enjoy the protection of the company and those that depend on them for their career progression. They are impossible to reason with, and the only coping strategy unfortunately might be to run away from such dangerous people.

Perspective. Please take care of yourself, your family and your friends. Draw power from those that love you, and have no truck with those that don’t.

This is not intended to be a general comprehensive guide about how to deal with abuse in a corporate or university environment. There are many books and online articles you can read about that e.g. How to Confront a Bully at Work, in the Harvard Business Review. This is just a very personal perspective based on my own experience.

Resources

8 Essential Strategies To Survive A Narcissist

Vine Adowei has a lovely article called Hurt people hurt people. Break the cycle which emphasizes the need to get support from others: “To get out of cycles of violence, one needs to have an awareness they are trapped in them and make a choice, as much as it depends on them, to work toward no longer harming one’s self and/or others. An individual cannot do this on their own.” I found this article from a tweet by Jackie Singh which also included a link to this very insightful diagram about the Cycle of Violence from STAR (Strategies for Trauma Awareness and Resilience).

Sometimes psychological warfare also occurs alongside physical abuse and sexual abuse. I’ve been contacted by Helping Survivors who have provided a link to this page which specifically deals with sexual assault in the workspace: http://helpingsurvivors.org/workplace-sexual-assault

Another form of abuse that is sadly often associated with physical abuse and sexual abuse is financial abuse and it is usually women that are the victims of this abuse. Annuity has contacted me to provide these links that offer support for those facing financial abuse:

I’ve been approach by Mesothelioma and Mental Health to point to resources they have to help with people mesothelioma (rare cancer caused from exposure to asbestos) which includes advice on dealing with the mental health aspects of cancer diagnosis: https://www.lanierlawfirm.com/mesothelioma/cancer/mental-health/. Here is a link to some key facts about mesothelioma. I think the advice they provide has fairly general applicability.

If you don’t know anyone once or twice removed that you can talk to, then you can talk to me. Email me at satnam@raintown.org.

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